all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
alright got my week's quota of sex in, ready for modern warfare 2
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
I think I get why guys like boobs so much. I just motorboated myself and it's fun. My boobs feel soft and squishy on my face.
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
Just hooked up with the fireman who put out the quesadilla fiasco last tuesday.
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
After Madison dropped a bottle of full vodka an it shattered on the floor, it was quiet for literally 3 min straight and then drew said "the booze gods have spoken"
I'm just gonna use that pot butter as dip for chips. That's fat, American AND stoner!
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
she is currently in the shower drinking a beer and dancing to a song called "the penis song" my roommate is cooler than yours
my mom is feeding me weed brownies...god help us
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