you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
Chick took off her bra in the middle of class cuz it was "too hot." How's going out of state feel now?
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
So this is what bad decisions tastes like...
I’ll always remember that day you sent me that random nude on accident lmao changed my life
Randomize
