mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
let's makeout let's makeout let's make out let's make out
Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
im 80% sure the guy across from me is taking pictures of my legs
pedialite and red bull = repair kit
He came all over my face... then said "YOU HAVE BEEN ROBBED!"
What's this douchebags name?
Rob...
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
Eh, not fuck buddies. I prefer sexercise partner.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
We accept all of your sexual lovers, Jewish, episcopalian, atheist. Dick is dick
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
Thanks for being my pregnancy scare Sherpa...
I apologize for there being a shopping cart in the living room. I don't know how why or where i got it.
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
Randomize
