Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
I had 800 mg of ibuprofen 2 b vitamins and I'm pounding water like I'm trying to win a hazing
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
when I called the strip club they said there was a note with my credit card. "girl who punched guy in throat" fuck daytona
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
I just had all of the sex. All of it.
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
Randomize
