well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
I just had to explain to my 62 year old advisor what "tea-bagging" was in the middle of her lecture. I smell extra credit. And maybe a demonstration.
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
We lost power at midnight which freaked out my roomate and friends. The power came back on 30 minutes later. We are now at the bar having "the rapture came and we were left behind" shots
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
You should come by for the fire station blow job tour
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
He went down on me while I was on the phone with my grandma.
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
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