Well, what part of "I've heard she has crabs" didn't you take into consideration?
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
did mom hear me barking???
oooooh yeah. good luck explaining that one
sooo high. sooo many dog friends
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
so much tequila, so little girl.
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
Randomize
