So I said to her: one time i broke my dick and when they took off the cast i could cum across a baseball field
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
I'm really really gonna try not to at least one night. The 4 day thanksgiving bender almost killed me last year
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
sometime during the night he found me in the empty hotttub singing marvins room in only my bra.
According to my bank account I spent a penny some where
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