I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
I'm 99% sure that for 3 hours I thought you were British. We must smoke that again.
I wish they made helmets for livers.
splinters make it hard to masturbate
She compares her life to Teen Mom. She's 28.
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
i'm taking a spore imprint of the mushroom we found growing in our bathroom and sending a picture to ryan. he will then be able to tell if it's trip-worthy
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
I support your vibrator fueled lifestyle.
You're emotionally mature, right? I said you were.
I have at least four things in my line of sight that have Kermit the Frog on them in my dorm. Does that answer your question?
Randomize
