I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
Her name starts with A and ends with whore.
I think im in love with that girl with the googlie eyes last night. She was looking in my eyes and at my dick at the same time. we are going out again tonight.
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
I think I'm getting too used to throwing up in the reception trash can. It doesn't even phase me anymore
Quick question, how many times can you get chlamydia before your vagina just gives up and falls off?
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
When we were finished I asked him how long it had been since he'd cum that hard. He thought really hard for a while before telling me his brain forgot how years worked.
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
Randomize
