Have you ever noticed that nowhere is the same thing as now here, i get my best ideas when i smoke
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
They have a guy from new zealand living under their stairs.. they don't charge him rent. He just buys food and booze and bartends their house parties.
At least it earned you a couple drinks. And something tells me you've touched grosser things with less incentive.
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
Well we found Mark's missing underwear. They're pinned up on Mike's trophy wall.
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
Randomize
