my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
it's kind of nice to have a picture of me making out with someone and actually know who it is for once
All I heard was "You have collect call from Lafayette Parish Jail for Dude it was awesome! I'll tell you about it later!"
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
Found a popcorn kernel in my pubes... Time fir a Brazilian
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
He's not letting me leave till I cum. I am a hostage to my own vagina
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
i just passed i guy i once let listen to me masterbate on the phone...nyc is not big enough
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
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