I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
just had a super intense, drunken debate about which blink182 member is the most fuckable. i got so mad i left the room. new low.
as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
We played alot of beer pong and ventured into the woods with tiki torches
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
It was somewhere in between an airport security patdown and a medical examination. No groping or squeezing, just brief pokes and pats.
she grabed my junk and started making lightsaber noises
I wonder if you could get her in a metal bikini
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
Obviously you're feeling a little sexually frustrated.
I consider humping a stranger every ten minutes when I walk in the street.
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
Randomize
