I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
It's only 8pm and Karl already got a stripper fired.
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
Finally buying a camera. Missed out on recording a 3way last night. Hindsight. Ugh.
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
The hint wasn't even a hint. it said "stop talking to her" that's pretty straightforward
I seriously doubt this is the first time pumpkin pie has led to a booty call.
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
He just made this face while he was fucking me and he looked like the hunchback of Notre Dame, I had to stop him.
We bird danced in front of the bird cages for 20 minutes. I think it was our way of being like fuck you guys you're in a cage and we're on summer break.
Randomize
