Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
I wasn't going to take him home until I heard "hung like a water buffalo" then curiosity got the best of me.
Like, I just want to be naked rolling around in soft things.
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
At 2pm we are having a MANDITORY house meeting about last night. ALL must be in attendance!
I'd like to review the planning and execution of the party to determine how we hosted a naked party, to determine how we can have more.
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
Randomize
