Well I thought that next 8 ball would either kill us or turn us into Gods
He asked if he could fuck me while on chat roulette.
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
I feel like I just need to fuck him after all his effort. like a "hey man good try" like those kids who get last place and still get a trophy.
But theres a keg here and me gusta
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
Who's the naked guy asleep in your car?
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
Randomize