I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
i have one hour to talk myself into enjoying giving him a blow job when i get home
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
What's the protocol when you drive the girl's head into the wall during sex and she starts to cry?
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
Randomize
