just once id like to meet someone on craigslist who isnt fat
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
I think my body is literally trying to get me to reproduce. "fuck someone! Anyone!" - my body
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
eating jello out of the cup. with my face. while on the toilet. i am at my lowest.
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
I just masturbated to the thought of him straight up talking to me. to us having a conversation. What the hell.
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
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