dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
Carpeing THE FUCK out of that diem
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
Randomize
