1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
You just compared our sex life to a seven year old kid.
It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
booty call hours are between 1:30-3:00 AM thurs-sat with the exception of major drinking holidays and election days. please try again
You took a bar mat shot.
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
You got kicked out after 30 minutes, 3 beers and 2 shots. Group record. Also you kept rubbing his belly and calling him buddha.
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
So I can confidently say that I'm the only 3rd year engineering student who completed all 4 of their exams with One Direction pens
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
Randomize
