If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
He just refered to Steak and Shake as "a good place for couples". I will definitely not be shacking tonight.
His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
It was literally like being eaten out by a dog. That bad.
She just rubbed her face all over pool chalk. I feel like it's time to go
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
what kind of roommate is she really? she wouldn't even hold my hair back.
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
I think that's the key to being an adult though... Get those rapid fire beer shits out I the way early, then you can go about your grown man business
So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
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