when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
You kept buying everyone Washington apple shots, and telling us we needed to support local produce.
I don't remember. I remember laying in the trunk of a car. For hours.
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
Apparently getting a blow job in the mens room from the bar owners daughter will get you kicked out.
Can't tell if its the LSD or if that demon man just stared at my penis. Cleveland is a weird place. All true stories.
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
You shouted “im bobby labonte!” In the process of shoutgunning a beer. He said you were too redneck for him...
Just puked most of my soul out..
I want to get drunk and watch somebody else's tragedy.
We somehow ended up in Oklahoma. Nick's been crapping for two hours and I'm afraid to call a doctor because who the hell knows what sort of stuff goes down in the middle of nowhere. So not a great long weekend really.
Randomize
