I met the friendliest cop last night
I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
Ok Ghana you win again. Tell you what...Double or nothing over women's tennis, basketball, hockey, war, baseball, golf, swimming, diving, oil spills, box office proceeds, internet porn sites, criminals incarcerated, women's downhill, bass fishing, NASCAR, or GDP?
yeah come on over we're just pre gaming for the grocery store
CONGRATS VODKA, YOU WON RHIS TIME..
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
Pretending to be completely fried so the odd girl next to me doesnt suspect im simply staring at her.
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
Do toy wanna orseer frim onedof tjose plaves? Sry textimg with globes on
Gloves*
Out of all the words to correct, you chose gloves??
I'll give you some leg action but I'm not showing you anything else until your penis admits it loves me
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
Randomize
