I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
Is it weird i consider You Sexy Thing our song?
Well if were past the bullshitting stage yes if not then no I'm not that kind of guy
Russian roulette. Between salvia and weed. You in?
FUCK YOU MAN
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
Can you send me the picture you took of me smoking a joint with the cat make-up on?
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
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