oh jesus shes a lukewarm mess
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
I've been thinking about all the girls in my life in terms of applying to college.
Huh?
I guess what im trying to say is that your my safety school.
She said she never had to courage to go fully shaved. Since when did shaving your snatch become courageous?
I saw him coke blaxckout on the subway at 9 this morning yelling at people callig himself the gatekeeper.
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
I just made myself orgasm twice and Laura lee hit 4 million subscribers. It’s a good day everywhere
I don't want to sleep with any other woman but you but I want to try this whole mother daughter thing that would be nuts
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
after that bj i gave him, i could fucking punch his mom and he wouldn't give a shit
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