The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
So, it's like build-a-bear for your vag?
he was uncircumcised...I HAVE NOT YET REACHED THAT SKILL LEVEL OF DICK
Dude, I swear her tits are going to give me a concusion.
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
4 to the list in one week. Slutsville isn't as fun as the brochure promised.
You may be in san diego, but I just watched a guy in a wheelchair sing walking in memphis for karaoke. Check and mate.
I could not handle jail. And my very angry parents.
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
Randomize
