doesn't he have a GF?
that just means you have to try harder.
i didn't have to try TOO hard, just told him i didn't want to know his name or...
why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
I hope to God it wasnt poon. That odor was unnatural, it was satanic pussy.
i told my doctor i had 3 partners and one unprotected.. shes a cute little indian lady i couldnt break her heart
Brutal- a couple weeks back I had a 28 hr blackout and four day hangover. S'why I decided to haul it in
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
What's goes good with Everclear?
Pepto-Bismol and a sandwich.
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
Randomize
