Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
hey you didnt make it to our afterparty what happened?
Ran around with a boom box broke a trampoline float, had a girl lick my ear the usual
If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
dude he was laying on two half-naked chicks, as they rubbed him down with lotion, while rolling a joint. hes like a modern-day african king
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
Are you complaining because you're getting too much sex to find the time to masturbate?
Well, when you say it like that it sounds silly.
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
just once I'd like to not pass out before we leave the designated pre-drinking place
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
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