get your tongue out of his mouth and answer your phone. if your not doing more than making out i'm gonna be so pissed. i'm about to sleep in your car bitch
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
dude, there's a fucking musical in my head. it's fucking awesome being this high.
We just shotgunned beers for America
when we went to bed he asked me to hold his penis so he knew i was there for him
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
Totally passed out on the dealers bed after paying him all in ones so no, i dont think i'll be getting a discount soon.
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
I pour the whiskey from now on
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
I dont even remember what i was saying but just one minute i was crying and the next i was showing u my genitals
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
Quick question: now that you've broken up, should I also delete the nudes your boyfriend sent me while you were together??
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