I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
Yea...coming from the girl who didn't understand why m&ms and tequila wasn't a "suitable diet"
I am in fact going to raffle myself off for a night. If you are interested in buying a ticket let me know. $10 a ticket.
It's official, no more fat chicks or even close to that, my balls are 2 dimentional
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
COME GET ME FR THE HOSPIGAL'!!!!!
I dont know. Theres no way you can be ready for the sex hurricane that will consume you.
If court goes my way we are flying to Vegas.
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
Randomize
