I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
You did it first. I was merely expressing my support for you, by pressing my testicles against a window.
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
So this is where people who peaked in high school come to drink?
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
he made me cum so hard i had an asthma attack
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
just saw the most amazing side boob. i wanted to hold it.
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
Randomize
