I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
I just want you to know the floor between our rooms isnt sound proof "Captain Cock"
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
I inspected his penis with a mini flashlight to check for visible stds...he was clean
She clicked her fingers, said "here boy!", and pointed at her vagina.
You just kept yelling and saying, "IM NOT GOING TO STOP YELLING UNTIL YOU TAKE THAT SHOT"
Just from watching vine I come to conclusion that all pornstars are dog hoarders.
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
Explain to me again why I'm doing the walk of shame if we fucked at my house?
Randomize