ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
You're earring is so big in my mouth
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
dude, i turned on the light and asked if they were ok and they STILL didn't stop. Most determined sex EVER.
Dude, all I remember was you grabbing random girls, yelling "It's a rap video!" and pouring high-life on them.
We had a 30 min conversation last night about whether or not to bone that girl with a lisp to see if she moans with one...
It's almost like sex was the ice breaker and now we're sociable at the gym
He bought me shrimp and alcohol and referred to himself as daddy. I am in love.
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
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