Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
Im broke. I spend all my money on weed cigarettes alcohol and food. In that order. I cant even cut one of those because you know it'd be food. I already stopped getting my nails done just so i could support my bad habits.
So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
well judging by the amount of dired blood around my nipple rings i'm gonna assume it was a good night
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
He led me to his room and handed me the remote, he left to go take a shower and there is a group of guys across the hall just staring at me... Its like they know something i dont. Help me.
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
Could we try to replay the decision making process whereby only you and I bought and drank a keg this weekend? Because there were some fundamental flaws!
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
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