I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
IF IT WALKS LIKE A MANWHORE AND QUACKS LIKE A MANWHORE, HE PROBABLY HAS VD.
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
Nothing like being naked and confused and clutching a scented candle...at least I woke up in my own bed though.
i accidentally gave my stepdad ketamine so id say it was a fun weekend.
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
So I might join you on the drunk train on the way to poor decisions.
Randomize
