i just saw her new tattoo, how much more trashy can you get than having "taste the rainbow" on your body for the rest of your life?
Just saw the first guy i ever slept with in drag. I can hear my grandfather saying "i knew she was a lesbian" somewhere
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
How many band members does it take to become The Band Slut? I think I might be dangerously close
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
We met up and made out in front of an empanada spot, if that's not romance then idk what is.
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
Randomize
