This dress was meant to end up on your floor
I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
I just got home. Seriously all I remember is taking out my contacts and putting your balls in my mouth.
I am way too high for this. Some guy just keeps talking about music and life goals and he apparently has lived in every city we mention we are going
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
Ong my arms are moving wo my consent
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
Consider it an appointment to improve my blow job capabilities.
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
There we go, I shall begin my attempt to achieve whore status today
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