Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
so if i die before i go back to school its because the thing we found in the hallway that i've been smoking out of is a crack pipe
this guy had a colored tattoo of Chucky on his leg, whatever drugs he does, i want them
I never had a problem I couldn't slut my way out of.
Yeah I mean its Vermont, not like id be the first guy to trade pharmaceutical services for beer
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
and I think you ate the old crusty spaghetti on the counter when we came home last night judging by the carnage
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
He went down on me while I was on the phone with my grandma.
Randomize
