I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
Is this a genuine concern or are you just high?
JUST BECAUSE I'M HIGH DOESN'T MEAN ITS NOT GENUINE CONCERN.
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
lol i'm looking through my photos and there's this giant section of just dudes wearing murses
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
This chick had a condom box organized by size with dividers that glowed in the dark.
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
Some guys phone started vibrating on the tv. I answered mine. That's how high I am.
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
CUM CAME OUT OF MY NOSE. MY SINUSES ARE ENTIRELY FUCKED UP NOW BC OF THE CUM TRAVELING IN PLACES IT SHOULD NOT HAVE.
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
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