Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.
Just saw a white stretch Hummer limo outside of CiCi's pizza. Way to live up to the stereotypes, Alabama.
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
you were yelling that somebody needed to take your bra off with such enthusiasm my first thought was that you were on fire.
$645 later, she's throwing up in my washroom and asking for a cab. Hooker are soooo much cheaper.
ever had one of those days where you say fuck it and lick the inside of a bag of chips
well I tackled her when she was going to go upstairs because I was convinced that the house was haunted. You gotta stick together in horror movies.
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
Pretty sure I have a sex related back injury. I'm not sure if I should be proud or ashamed.
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
fucking him is like fucking old faithful. you could set your watch by his orgasms.
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
Randomize
