Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
in the 'for' section of the check i put "when we got drunk and broke things". again im sorry.
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
I have a question, if it paid really well, like ridiculously well, would you be a restaraunts under the table resident blowjob girl?
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
How is it possible that I am in a completely different city, and there are 2 dudes here that I've banged? How????
I think she was eating a cup of ramen noodles while we banged, or had a seizure
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
Reading an example in the GRE study book referencing Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles while wearing TMNT pajamas. *airfist*
omg please tell me you're eating pizza right now too.
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
there is definitely a hickey on my left nipple.
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
Randomize
