Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
just woke up in the hotel with gummi bears all around me and someone took the tv
we took the tv and as for the gummi bears don't eat them you put em in her vagina
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
It's a system.. i get to hook up with them and you get to play words with friends with them afterwards.
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
I'm just going to have crazy good sex with him until one of us developed feelings that works in the movies right?
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
I can't give advice right now, I have a yeast infection.
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
I had to ask her to let go of my cock this morning so I could go home. She just kept saying "no, please, no..."
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
Randomize
