Have you ever noticed that nowhere is the same thing as now here, i get my best ideas when i smoke
My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
ARE YOU GOING TO SACRIFICE YOUR LIFE FOR MCDONALDS HASHRBOWNS
He told me since I'm into organics I should know his meat is known locally for its quality and hes hand raised it since age 13.
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
There's green glitter on my nipple rings. #mardigras2013
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
The cops high fived after they tackled you
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
Randomize
