Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
well someone pooped in the lint basket in the laundry room last night, but none of us will admit to it so we're all just secretly judging each other and doubting ourselves.
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
My whole sorority girl exterior is just a lie. I'm a fat tumblr girl on the inside.
I sent him a tit pic on accident and he replied with "nice ass"
I have so many feelings about this burrito
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
He showed up at 1:10AM covered in mud and vomit, wearing a headband that said victory in Japanese. I WANT PICS.
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
Randomize