I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
So i just found out i replied to my room mates craigslist ad. Akward
It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
can you blow me for old times sake
only for old times sake
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
To be so small, the mini-horses are exceptionally aggressive. And fast. Very, very fast.
Abort! Abort! He almost bit off a finger!
His dick is so big it could be an arm rest.
I appreciate alcohol much more now that I have to be sober sometimes
Considering who their parents are, maybe you should use vodka for the baptism.
I don't know what she looks like but I'm pretty sure she has a pussy.
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
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