He said we were driving the golf cart through the woods screaming 'iceroad truckers' for four hours in the dark
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
just woke up with a thong on my face, dont remember going home with anyone and its way too big for it to be a good thing
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
..But I'm still alive. And thats the main thing
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
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