What did I say to him last night?
Something along the lines of "your not here, I'm going to fuck sam. call me later babe, this won't take long, love you"
all in all not a bad night
Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
he let me wear his jacket and there was a magnum and a bowl in his pocket ... I think im in love
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
It's so cute when the exchange student uses "blowjob" as a verb.
that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick
Come on Nikki god gave you a vagina for a reason, so you could tell guys what kind of shots to buy you
Should I tell him the real reason I was in the hospital, or should I just keep him thinking the side effect he thought was in for was allergy related, not I just miscarried the child I didn't know we were having?
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
I miss the days where our biggest worries were who was gonna win battle shits.
I feel like I'm pretty optimistic for a girl that might be pregnant.
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
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