omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
Then we all started singing, "Our house, in the middle of the street. Our house, fucks a lot of freshman meat". It was magical.
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
We lost track of him for only 10 min and he gets kicked out for sneaking into the kitchen and trying to operate the deep fryer.
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
When he gets asked "is it in?" more than his name you arent missing out on much more than a petite tampon.
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
It was fine until they started lighting shots of everclear on fire and making ME take them. That's when shit went down...
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
Anyone who has court these next few days keep your head up & smile knowing we broke the County Record with 27 underage consumptions
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
Randomize
