i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
do you know why "how to shave your balls" is bookmarked on my computer?
Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
I have your camera. You have 35 naked pictures of me. you're welcome.
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
Ok cuz s'mores night just turned into pina colada after noon and it will be mas fun
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
I have to stop letting him stay all weekend. I feel like a cored apple.
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
Randomize
