we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
apparently he was unaware pussies come in unshaved form. curse you redtube and your unholy lies
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
I managed to make myself a bowl of apple jacks, took one bite and had to stop eating them because they were making my brain wiggle. How was your comedown?
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
Come now. I'm bloody but I'll give you the best fuck of your life.
She looks like a Midwestern news anchor that got fired so she has done nothing but eat for the past 6 months.
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
Just got referred to as "the girl from Tuesday night" at the Taco Bell drive thru...what happened on my birthday?!
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
Wine through a straw in a subway cup.....classy
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