I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
Held my professor's hair back while she was puking. I'd better get an A out of this or else the pics are going on Facebook.
Dude she looks like a female richard gere plus 400 pounds.
Idgaf if he's a manwhore, he's like the mt. everest of penises. howcan I NOT try to put that inside me?
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
I'm driving to his house to eat chicken and hopefully have an orgasm
Haha I wasn't coming anyway. I'm watching Snow White and don't want to put pants back on. Those are completely unrelated. Have a good night.
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
shit... I double booked my fuck buddies
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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