my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
He said to me this morning that we should finish these beers, go and get plan B then on the way back, go to the pub to celebrate the death of our baby. I love Manchester.
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
Im just saying it can't be that bad if he drove himself to the er. We'll head that way when we finish playing scattergories
u r missing out we r watching a tranny direct traffic in a gstring
foreskin is a definite game changer
I don't think I can recall what a 23 year old cock felt like if one slapped me in the face.
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
i spent my Thursday drinking before noon and not wearing pants
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