last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
Why does Jon Cryer have a career?
That is a good question.
Call me back. I want to hear your side of the dead cat in my garage story.
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
Looking for the remote in the couch. Finding Adderall beads. Considering utilizing.
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
I'm gonna eat you out with that hat on so it looks like beaker's doing it. And I'm gonna go "memememememe"
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
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