Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
You threw a hot dog at his face...I wouldn't call you either.
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
i think the penis that was inside of me changed my life
Her pussy was so beautiful. That's what I'LL miss the most. Not the omelets. You're the roommate, obviously our priorities on this situation are vastly different.
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
I will turn myself into a beacon of get at me bro
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
He was going down on me and all I could think about was how proud of me you'd be
Randomize