Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
He literally is quoting that 21 questions song, the 50 cent one. oh my god.
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
I'm gonna take off my shirt and spin it around my head like petey Pablo so u can find us
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
I have this vague feeling that I was involved in a dance off with a homeless man?
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
my mom just came into my room and handed me a news paper article about women on the verge of a drinking problem... i can already tell its not about to be sunday funday
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