My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
We discussed how many times we've passed out during sex. The answers may shock you.
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
dont ever go to laser tag drunk. you will be judged.
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