I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
I just woke up in the 4th floor lounge at 5:30AM with my ipod on to springsteen and a condom on
She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
That reminds me...we need to get swords
With the amount of g's you put on going I'm gonna guess you're drinking alone again
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
Im calling you paparazzi cause of all the dick pics you take of your one night stands ps loved the panoramic one!
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
I am watching xfiles and eating microwaved cookiedough, and I see nothing wrong with it.
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
she has no right to get mad at us for drinking during the wedding. she's the one that chose the bridesmaid dresses with pockets.
Randomize
