So do you want to come over? ;)
Never again opening up the Pandora's box of crazy that is your vagina. Sorry.
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
she was like the girl next door.. if you lived next door to a whorehouse
I made a drinking game out of watching your DUI video, everytime you say " okay, well thats just your opinion"
I think I'm getting too used to throwing up in the reception trash can. It doesn't even phase me anymore
He also informed us that it's rude to shove your tit in someone's mouth. Happy Monday.
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
that was THE gayest party i've ever been to
To be fair, the theme was Cabaret. I don't know what you were expecting.
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
Chick in the kitchen making breakfast.. Yours or mine?
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
Randomize
