I am like the Mr. Miyagi of queefs.
you know the rule: 3 consecutive asian hookups makes you an asian fetish guy, no exceptions
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
Every single item that was in my fridge is now in my hot tub. Please help
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
Morning! Im using your rent money to snort percocet.
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
Freshly fucked must agree with my hair cause I've gotten compliments on it this afternoon
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
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