my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
Just used a champagne bottle to outline a trigonometric circle for math 104.. should i give up on life now or later?
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
he shit on the floor last night i'm not venturing down there
I couldn't fall back asleep it was too bright so I just took my sports bra off and put it over my eyes
Why did my mother make you get naked?
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
I can't decide if I miss drinking or you, they are so closely connected.
I want you inside me. Finish your papers.
Randomize
