There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
My sheets look like a crime scene.
be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
I justified spending $400 stocking my bar to my sister by saying it was an investment
Personally I think it's a tremendous investment
thats the coolest thing thats happened to my vagina since i dated that guy from portugal.
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
50% drunk capacity currently
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
We had sex to beyonce's "drunk in love" and then he order me pizza. It was perf
i almost threw up on his dick. its like icarus, flew too close to the sun. except the sun is his dick and my throat was icarus
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