So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
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