I'm so fucking centered right now
ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
i gave him a hand job with one hand and held the 40 with the other. this is like freshman year all over again.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
that freshman chick we always see on the weekends walked into art class wearing a jaegermeister shirt and holding a monster, which she proceeded to shotgun with a pair of scissors. It sickens me to know I will never achieve her level
Drinking Hot Toddies on the Porch and blasting bob dylans "hurricane" bring it on sandy!
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
IM GOING TO SIT ON YOUR FACE AND CHANT 'I BELIEVE THAT WE WILL WIN'
Someone stole a lamp last night.
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
ALL I WANT IN MY MOUTH IS A GLORIOUS COCK SMOTHERED IN CHOCOLATE. DICK AND CHOCOLATE; IS IT TOO MUCH FOR A GIRL TO ASK FOR?!
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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