You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
Ive never seen someone more dtf than a soaking wet drunk girl who stumbles into your backyard.
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
you kept falling over in mid-conversation and you just got right back up as if nothing happened...
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
Somehow she slept thru the vacuuming, people walking in and out, and the sound of constant beer bottles hitting the trash, but when someone said weed in a regular volume of voice she startled awake.
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
I just had a man tell me he was going to think about me when he was fucking his wife tonight. This is my proudest moment as a gay.
I don't know what that means but it's making me want to fuck you.
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