Theyre still fighting about whether its called america or the united states.
I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
Lol no. She's home safe. You forget she is too pretty to get arrested.
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
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