I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
she literally hasn't taken the mardi gras beads off in three days. she showered in them. TWICE.
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
So the night ended when we tried making fireworks out of gunpowder and oregano. You can figure out how that went.
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
I have to touch the horse lube. :-(
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