Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
i realized i had a pad on before i went to this guys house so i stuck it in his neighbors shrub.
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
There's nothing like puking in the airport on the way TO Vegas. Something tells me i pregamed a little too hard.
i dont think duct tape can fix my g spot
lets call myth busters
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
may have given a homeless man 70 dollars in exchange for his sandals. so yea, i'm going as jesus for next halloween.
It's official drugs can't kill me
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
It's not too terrible. You just got a little naked and broke your arm.
it'll be okay! And just think of this ultrasound as the most action you've had in a month...
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
Randomize
