Im at strip club and am horny
Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
We were making out in the bushes when some dude comes and starts peeing beside us.
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
And apparently I was the one that started the drunken make out session that broke the window
My mouth taste like pussy and my dad noticed. Hahahaha
I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
I stood in my living room with two beers in my hand asking these said beers if they were going to drink each other. I then insisted that I would drink them and chugged both. Happy Halloween.
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
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